last chance
flash me those eyes
it just doesn't work like it used to
beg you to stay
nothing is the same
stand on the horizon
feel the sun on my face
as you walk away
nothing is the same
i saw the evergreens
fall down to their weary knees
dancing flames that took their hearts
look for an escape, and then fall apart
our innocence is gone
lost in broken clocks that stain the walls
time is standing still
our hands no longer move, my skin is frail
these red cups run this town
no longer feeling for myself
my mind lost to the bright
streetlights that guide me home tonight
walk alone
until the moon goes out
walk alone
It is nice to see you be disciplined enough to write every day - you have some nice images in your poems, like - "i saw the evergreens
ReplyDeletefall down to their weary knees" and there are others in other poems you have. Also your poems are very personal, but also convey emotion, so that the reader can feel with you, that is good - you do have some awkward phrasing some time and I would suggest you soften some of this up, and I think sometimes you add words that are I would urge you to leave out - for instance -\
- it just doesn't work like it used to
beg you to stay
nothing is the same
stand on the horizon
feel the sun on my face
as you walk away
nothing ias the same
The last phrase, nothing is the same to me is not needed.
I get the sense of your emotion and can picture in my mind the scene - the last is to too precise - I think the poem speaks better when it represents just the picture of what is happening without the summary statement - as a reader I can place myself with you emotion, that is better in poetry -
Regardless keep up the work, it is nice to see you pursue your art - I encourage you to continue.