lead me astray until i no longer ask
how many more moons will this dark nightmare last
with the rise of the moon, i cannot close my eyes
i'm falling from grace, i believed i could fly
hear the wind in the sails, calling out to the night
taste the salt in your veins, push onward! we fight!
through the endless seas that ever plague your mind
watching for light, for the night is not kind
though the eve may be long, and my mind dreams of death
my heart, she is strong, and i'll take one more breath
bring the wind to the sails, we will make it as one
the shore calls for us, to finish what we've begun
I see you have wrote a whole poem using a rhyme scheme - good for you.
ReplyDeleteI know you do not like to use capitals in your poems, but they too can be a device to convey meaning - so I would reconsider this, especially in a metered device such as a rhyme.
Also beware of extra words - this is a pet peeve of mine in poetry - poems should be succinct (I think)-
so
lead me astray until i no longer ask
how many more moons will this dark nightmare last
I think reads better as
Lead me astray until I no longer ask
How many more moons does this nightmare last
I know I changed tenses - but it gives a sense of being in the middle of it
and then
with the rise of the moon, i cannot close my eyes
i'm falling from grace, i believed i could fly
Reads better as
With the rising moon, I can't close my eyes
Falling from grace, I believed (or thought) I could fly
again
The wind's in the sail, calling the night
Taste the salt in your veins, now fight!
(there is no we in the poem so why add one, I don't like onward it is not your voice -
anyway you get the picture - good job -