take it back
i could lose myself in you for days
every time i take a breath
i close my eyes and see your face
take it back
your smile like the sun
morning waits for us
shining brightly for us love
take it back
rest your soul in my arms
forver longing for this
its everything i could ever want
for everytime you said goodbye
and every night we tried to fly
the empty sky holds my eyes
your lonesome heart should be with mine
take it back
an empty sidewalk calls for us again
and every time you know i said
i want you more than just a friend
take it back
a river flooded up onto the shore
under pale moonlight
staring at this open door
these are the nights
for some reason we feel alive
taking one step at a time
hoping for the cold night
to never say those words
goodbye
This poem has nice rhythm - I like the rhyme -
ReplyDeletefor everytime you said goodbye
and every night we tried to fly
the empty sky holds my eyes
your lonesome heart should be with mine
It would be interesting to try and write a whole poem in rhythm - this poem (with some work)could be turned into a song -
In this section -
take it back
i could lose myself in you for days
every time i take a breath
i close my eyes and see your face
take it back
your smile like the sun
morning waits for us
shining brightly for us love
take it back
rest your soul in my arms
forver longing for this
its everything i could ever want
You do some good things - but you add some extra words that I think ate not necessary - so in the beginning of the poem - you write I could lose myself in you for days - what not just I lose myself in you - why the time period - if you fell that way at the moment of writing - the allow the emotion top be frozen in a sense forever. Because poetry is about freezing a moment in eternity.
You smile like the sun - this is just personal taste - but this image is over used - you have much better images that you use that are more original - try to dig into yourself and find those images - like an empty sidewalk calls to us - that is so much fresher -
Anyway again good job- keep writing